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Sad: This Girl Needs Drake to Release a New Song Because She’s out of Instagram Captions


Photos from pxphere / CC0; by Jorja Smith & Drake / CC BY 2.0

“No new friends.” 

“Started from the bottom.” 


Jessica Reynolds (C ’20) has been absolutely destroying the Instagram game for the past six years. Post after highly-edited post, she arrives at a sassy, relatable caption. But it’s been 10 months since Drake released his 5/10 hit Scorpion, and she’s run out of lyrics to supplement her Spring Break pictures, scraping the bottom of the barrel for clichéd phrases like “getting my mothafuckin' roll on” and “in my feelings.”

Of course, Reynolds could use another artist’s lyrics, or even come up with her own witty phrase, but she has become so used to looking up Drake verses for each post that she can no longer form an original thought.

“It’s a shame, really,” said her roommate Jackie Clarke (C ’20). “I mean, It’s nice when she tells me, ‘You’re the best I ever had,’ but she ate all my cereal last week, and when I confronted her about it she just said she was on her ‘worst behavior.’”

Drake is likely to release a new song in the next year, but, until then, Reynolds will exclusively use vaguely-related emojis to caption her posts.