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Freshman Still Without Summer Internship Officially up for Adoption


Photo By Nick Youngson / CC BY-SA 3.0

Wharton freshman Angela Oaks didn’t find a summer internship in time for summer, so her parents have agreed to put her up for adoption. 

“Now, I don’t see any reason for unconditional love,” remarked Angela’s father Archibald. Mr. Oaks reported that “when I was Angela’s age I had already earned seven horses and 700 thousand dollars from an internship with my father’s oil company. Just because I sold that company for 200 million dollars and am now retired at 34 doesn’t give Angela the right to free ride on her parents. She needs to lift herself up from the bootstraps as I did.” Evidently, paying baby Angela’s international tuition does not detract from her bootstraps-fallacy upbringing. 

“Of course we’re not going through the regular adoption system for humans!” her mother, lips pursed and jewelry clacking as she rubbed her hands with a certain disdain. “We had a poodle once" — she spoke with the cadence of Minerva McGonagall — “and, when it didn’t get a job, we paid our cleaner to make posters and put it up for adoption too. I really don’t see how the case with Angela is any different from that.”

UTB sources were unable to locate these posters. Witnesses have cited Angela ripping them down quickly and quietly to avoid adoption. And yet, one witness who was able to peak at a poster as Angela tore it down reported it was “definitely just an unedited adoption poster for a standard poodle with 'ALSO ANGELA' written at the bottom in black Sharpie.” The reported price listed for the Angela Oaks and/or standard poodle combo was $400.

“Honestly, her parents have nothing to worry about.” Said one passerby on locust, Stacy Johnson (C '19). “She doesn’t need an internship freshman year! She doesn’t even need one sophomore year. Or junior year. Even in her senior year at a college where there are so many opportunities that she should totally have something by now,” Johnson said through a forced smile as though asking for help, “it’s totally okay that I don’t have an internship for the summer yet, mom! I’m working on myself, okay?”