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OP-ED: There’s No Chance That I’m Gonna Catch Feelings, but There Is Definitely a Chance I Catch the Mumps


Screenshot by Elias Rappaport / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Yo so we’ve been DFMOing here for a while now, wanna come back to my place?

Sweet, sweet. There’s just one thing I should warn you about. So, like, I’m unvaccinated.

No yeah, for like all of the diseases: you don’t just pick and choose.

It’s a complicated process, yeah. My mom had to write a philosophical objection and everything.

No it wasn’t the autism thing…let’s stop talking about my mom.

All I’m trying to say is that I’m 100% vulnerable to the measles, but I’m also 100% down to fuck.

Oh that’s so cool you don’t even care about the vaccine thing, thanks for understanding.

You’re worried about me catching feelings, though?

Look, I’m defenseless against the mumps, tetanus, and polio — but when it comes to emotional intimacy, I have huge walls up.

I’m more likely to contract diphtheria than I am to ever know what love feels like.

There’s no way I’ll let feelings cripple me the way polio definitely could in the near future.

Yeah, it’s kinda sad, haha.

It’s too bad there’s no vaccine for the fear of falling in love.

So yeah, you don’t have to worry about that.

Definitely worry about the high chance i’ve already given you rotavirus, though...

Oh and if in nine months you have a kid, they’re not getting vaccinated, ok?

Wait, where are you going?

Aw shucks, not again.