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Screw You Goldman, I Can Sell Açaí Bowls at 1300% Profit Margins


Photo By Marco Verch / CC BY 2.0

People around here seem to think selling out to work in finance is the only way to make the big bucks. At least, that’s what those goofballs at Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley want you to think.

As a History major, who spends way too much money on my tiny baby shoe collection (c’mon they’re the cutest little shoes), I clearly don’t know much about making money. I do know one thing, however: white girls fucking love açaí bowls.

According to statistics, businesses that sell healthy food in bowls, specifically to white women, are among the most profitable in the world. Throw a couple mandarin oranges (call them by their Spanish name to make it seem more expensive) and a kiwi into a bowl, say it’s from some island off of New Zealand, and there will be a line of white women out the door by 11 a.m..

If we’re being honest, I’ve never had an açaí bowl. I’m also not Brazilian. At the same time, that logic doesn’t seem to stop the chef at Pari Cafe Creperie in Houston Hall from yelling in the strongest Philly accent at French customers about how he knows more about crepes than they do (yes, this happens regularly).

Sure, Goldman may be as powerful as some medium-sized countries, but don’t think my açaí empire won’t compete. An açaí bowl business is a license to print money. Want to know who else prints money? The government. Does that mean that my açaí business is basically a government? The transitive property says yes. In conclusion, Goldman, for those reasons I’m out.