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Locust Walk Now Locust Run


The Daily Pennsylvanian 

Campus officials confirmed this morning that Penn’s heralded Locust Walk will henceforth be known as Locust Run. 

Some speculated that this name change could be the result of ongoing campus wellness initiatives — encouraging physical activity to combat the mental health epidemic facing the student body. This is not the case. 

“Students aren’t motivated enough,” Henry Williams Chief Officer of Campus Activity said. “I see them out here wasting time all day long. Well you know what? Time’s up. No more leisurely strolls. No more catching up with friends. This world is a rat race. In a few years, you’re going to have a mortgage to pay off, so run, don’t walk, to that Bain Info Session.” 

The tranquil tree-flanked path has been transformed into a 10 meter dash. Students dart by, beads of sweat rolling down their temples, eyes scanning for loose bricks on the ground ahead of them. A student carrying his Intro to Sculpture final project trips over his own feet. The student crumbles as the large abstract sculpture shatters into a million pieces. 

“Another one bites the dust,” says Rod Miller, newly hired Vice Provost of Motivational Speaking. “Get up!” He yells. “That project is dead weight. What were you thinking, taking a Fine Arts class? Now get your ass to Accounting!” Miller shouts from the sidelines, hoping to inspire students with his arsenal of motivational quotes. “Look in the mirror. That’s your only competition,” he cries out. 

Miller has been a professional motivator for years. “I started out at Soul Cycle, then moved to Barry’s, then Rumble, and now I’m at Penn,” he explains. “It’s about the hustle. It’s about heart. This is life changing stuff. I used to be so down on myself, so negative. Then I learned to be kind,” he says, turning his attention back to the passing students. “Now pick up the pace you fucking losers!”

"Mile times higher than nine will not be tolerated. If I catch anyone running a ten minute mile, well that's going to be an unpaid Wharton Behavioral Lab for you," said Locust Run Warden Cheryl Anders. "'Move it or lose it'," she said. "That's what I always used to say to my husband, before the divorce."