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Happy Year of Data! Penn Releases Spreadsheet Rife with Extremely Sensitive, Personal Student Info


Photo by Fuzheado / CC BY-SA 4.0

Hip, hip, hooray for data! After years of illicitly compiling student profiles and surveillance footage from across campus, Penn’s top scientists are proud to present their newest data-driven achievement: a spreadsheet filled to the brim with pure, unadulterated information!

That’s right, everything from your social security number to your most closely guarded secrets are now public knowledge!

“What better way to celebrate the Year of Data than by setting all of this untapped data free?” Provost Pritchett said, pantomiming an eagle in flight. “Now go make an infographic or pie chart or something.”

Students are invited to explore the treasure trove of credit card numbers and email passwords contained within the whopping five terabyte Excel file. As of this morning, anybody with a functioning internet connection is but a mere click away from accessing your online activity and precise GPS location data from the past six months. If that isn't big data, then I don't know what is.

Despite the University’s honest efforts to expose first-year students to the world of analytics, several folks have less than kind words to say about the program.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for celebrating data,” Engineering junior Julie Nagle explained. “But did they really have to beam out my full legal name, home address, and a sequenced copy of my genome to every living being on this green earth? Seems like overkill.”

Penn officials have since reassured an incensed student body that their precious online personas will remain out of harm’s way.

“There is no need to worry, your accounts are safe,” Pritchett declared with gusto. “Why else do you think we made you guys do two-step verification?”