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Invasive Species Alert: Please Kill Anyone You See Biking on the Sidewalk


Photos by Dan Nguyen / CC BY-NC 2.0; Richard Masoner / CC BY-SA 2.0

The Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture (PDA) is asking for help in the eradication of a new invasive species plaguing the state, requesting that citizens quickly and mercilessly murder anyone they see biking on the sidewalk.

The sidewalk bicyclist is especially devastating to urban areas, disrupting pedestrian flow and increasing the risk of getting your foot run over on the way to class. They also seem to laugh in the face of designated bike lanes and one-way streets.

“We are trying to quarantine the species the best we can, but the assholery of cyclists can be difficult to contain,” said a PDA representative. “Once one asshole sees another asshole assholing on the sidewalk, he tends to mimic the same assholish behavior.”

The PDA also recommends murdering people who stop short to look at their phones, motorists blocking the intersection, and really anyone you want. "It's murder season, baby," they said.