Trump Now Has a Problem with Children Dying

After a significant wave of childhood deaths related to their use, President Trump has finally issued a ban on the sale and use of metal cages.

Jk! Funny stuff.

Actually though, in response to recent reports depicting their use as the second leading cause of death for American children, President Trump has issued long-awaited restrictions on the sale and use of firearms. 

Woops, my bad! xD, amirite?

Anyways, President Trump, following a wave of vaping related deaths, has issued restrictions that would ban the sale of “flavored e-cigarettes” until their approval by the FDA. "Human children everywhere are saying 'he really cares about the children!'" reported one White House official.

Said Tiffany Trump, hopeful, "...he does?"

Said Wharton sophomore Stephanie Byers, ripping a fat cloud, “Well, shit.” 

Needless to say, the Wawa on spruce is out of mint Juul pods again.