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American Public Schools to Offer Big Mouth as Health Ed. Replacement


Photo by theNerdPatrol / CC BY 2.0

Every single day, nearly 74 million American children suffer from puberty. While there has been no progress towards a cure for this horrible disease, medical professionals including Nick Kroll have developed a groundbreaking Netflix original series to record the suffering. They’re calling it “Big Mouth.”

While Big Mouth was surely developed to be watched in private by ad audience of frustrated adults who never received proper health education, its purpose is being shifted this week to the source of the epidemic: kids who never received proper health ed. 

“There are 180 days in a public-school school year. That’s 36 weeks of school,” said Betsy DeVos in a UTB interview. “Considering our entire budget is currently going towards protecting schools from the imminent threat of bears, we have no funding left to…how do you say...teach kids. Now, there are 31 episodes of Big Mouth. That’s means if we watch one episode a week, we will watch approximately two episodes each year before every single student has gone home, begged their parents for a Netflix subscription, and binge-watched the rest of the show by themselves as Dr. Nick Kroll intended them to.” DeVos noted that she was willing to share her Netflix password for those initial two weeks of school, as long as students don’t "fuck with [her] watch later.”

“This is sick,” said Jimmy, a naive middle schooler from PA. “I’ve always wanted a Netflix subscription! Now I can finally watch Game of Thrones…” Poor, poor Jimmy.

People across the country are reacting to this sudden change in the health curriculum. “I am all in favor!” said Susan Milburn, wife of a middle school gym teacher. “Assuming that middle school PE teachers can teach kids where the clitoris is would be assuming that he does, in fact, know where it is.” Only time will tell the benefits of the new health ed curriculum.