A Freshman's Guide to All the Fraternities on Penn's Campus

With fall’s open-hazing winding down, winter’s “formal” hazing is on its way. In preparation for this monumental opportunity in every freshman’s life, we at UTB encourage each smol bean to learn the ropes of Penn’s Hellenic system. 

First, you have your owls, your apes, and your snakes. These are all forest creatures. Consider yourself fooled. There’s Fiji like the water, then there’s Zeta Baked Potata’. There’s the one on Locust, and the other one on Locust, and the other one on Locust, and maybe another one on Locust? Do not confuse these with the M&T building. M&T is the most exclusive frat of all. 

If these definitions aren’t sufficient for you, you can always turn to the tried and true “Greek Rank Dot Com” (no relation) for all your Penn Greek life needs. It’s called equality, ladies. Frat guys justify ranking you by also ranking themselves.

In lieu of actual knowledge regarding Penn’s Greek system, UTB took to the streets. Said one child, “My house is blue. Blue houses are my favorite.” Said another child, “Bro we didn’t even burn her hair, okay? The lawsuit happened. Just let it go already.” And there you have it, folks. That’s all we know, and all you need to know.