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Watch Out, Philly Parents! Penn Students Are Hiding Toxic Pre-Professionalism in Halloween Candy This Year


Photo by Bill Charbonnet / CC0

Halloween can be a hard time to keep your squirmy little monsters safe. Every year, Philadelphia parents already have to worry about their children falling into cavernous potholes, getting lost while looking for 35th street, or sneaking out dressed as "Gritty" in nothing but a fur jockstrap and a hockey helmet. 

This year, though, a new danger has reared its ugly mask. Some parents have posted warnings on the West Willy Facebook group, saying they found small, sharp shards of toxic pre-professionalism tucked into the wrappers of their children's halloween candy this year. 

Cara Poole, a resident at 48th and Baltimore, wrote: "My eight-year-old daughter came home from trick-or-treating with her friends looking pale, clutching her stomach, and saying she wanted to switch into Wharton to study accounting because she'll never get a job if she puts too much faith and effort into her art. I asked her if this was because she broke the school bully Mikayla Q's favorite crayon in the class' Crayola 24 pack during art class again, but she said no. That's when I knew something was up. I opened up a few pieces of candy she said she got around 41st street, and they were filled with toxic pre-professionalism! Penntrification was one thing, but now they're directly targeting our children's health?!" 

Philly parents are advised to keep their children far away from Penn's campus this Halloween - and not just because of the broken beer bottles and 19-year-old drunks dressed as stale memes this year.