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Penn Baseball Loses Fall Scrimmage to Mr. Richard’s 4th Grade Team


Photo By jc.winkler / CC BY 2.0

In what can only be described as one of the biggest upsets in collegiate athletic history, Penn baseball lost its first fall scrimmage to Mr. Richard’s 4th-grade sluggers 13-4.

The rout began in the second inning when Connor Denton (class of 2032) came up to the plate to chants of “hit it hard, hit it fast, that fuckboy pitcher is total ass” coming from his dugout. With Penn pitcher Marcus Patterson (C '22) shaken, little Connor smacked the ball up the left seam for a 2 point run triple.

Only down 2-0, Penn coach Doug Outerson was not concerned just yet. In a thick southern drawl, spitting chewing tobacco every few words, Outerson told his team “them’s the breaks boys, we just play a lil' baseball, hit a few more dingers, and we’ll be good as a dead pig in the sun.”

After tying the game 2-2, things went downhill fast for Penn. In the top of the 4th inning, Mr. Richard sent the hounds. With their three best hitters up to bat next, the team of scrappy, prepubescent boys put up eight runs in that inning alone, essentially ending the game.

Timmy Sendleberry (class of 2032) scored the game clinching 13th run for Mr. Richard’s class in the ninth inning. As the tiny little tot rounded the bases, he flipped off the Penn dugout, causing Coach Outerson to spin out of control. Outerson reportedly yelled at the child, “I’m gonna jerk a knot in your ass, boy,” causing a bench clearing brawl between the two squads.

Sadly for Penn, Mr. Richard’s class had three 5th degree black belts in taekwondo, who promptly whooped the shit out of Coach Outerson and his varsity team. No one decided to press charges as both sides agreed upon the principle of “boys will be boys."

In the post game press conference, Coach Outerson shed some light on what could have led to such a devastating loss for the program. “Well y’see ever since I started using the recruitment process as a whatchamacallit uh.. bribery scheme to bring Felicity Huffman’s children to Penn, the team ain’t been all honky-dory,” Outerson said. Coach Outerson has since been placed on paid leave.