Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

Poor, Tattered Soul Bound to Commons Until She Eats Money's Worth


Photo (with edits) by Erica Xin / The Daily Pennsylvanian and pxhere / CC0


The value of one lunch swipe and a debt Keri Nunez (C ‘23) was destined to repay in full.

A cold, humorless expression plastered across her face, Nunez had been seen shambling around the “comfort” food station since swiping in earlier that day.

“No, you don’t understand!” Nunez shrieked at concerned onlookers as she piled another helping of beef au jus onto her plate. “Without sustenance, I may never free myself of these accursed grounds.”

As it turns out, the cause of Nunez’s curse was the fact that nothing at 1920 Commons is technically edible. Deprived of actual food, Nunez had been forced to stomach frankwiches and wheatberry pilaf, growing sadder and sadder with every bite.

“To obtain, something of equal value must be lost…” Nunez professed, wincing as another spoonful of sweet potato mac-and-cheese slid down her digestive tract. “That…that is the law of equivalent exchange…”

UTB reached out to the esteemed Alvin J. Ellison, teacher of HIST 118 – Witchcraft and Possession, for his thoughts on this troubling, supernatural occurrence.

“Holy smokes,” muttered Professor Ellison, peering at the now-translucent Nunez. “I’ve never seen such intense avarice and despair manifest itself in one place — and I’ve been to Huntsman!”

For the time being, the University has advised students to keep their distance from Nunez and to just order spicy salmon bowls from Houston from now on.