Dirty, Stained Plate Honestly Looks More Appetizing Than Anything at Commons ‘Comfort’ Station

The results are in! 10 out of 10 Penn students agree: a dirty, stained plate from Hill dining hall is infinitely more appetizing than anything available in the “comfort” food section at Commons.

Of course, a poorly-cleaned plate with tendrils of food residue still hanging from it is enough to make anybody gag. But when pitted next to dishes such as “wheatberry pilaf” or “sticky beef,” suddenly using a plate slicked with oil from last night’s meatloaf doesn’t sound so bad anymore.

“You learn to appreciate the flavor of the stains,” an ASS-eating freshman who asked to remain anonymous, said. “The zest of stale ketchup, the dried motes of mustard, the absolute spine-tingling euphoria of Worcestershire—Oooh. I missed a spot.”

The freshman continued to shudder with glee as coleslaw and a slice of pineapple pizza disappeared down his throat. Unfortunately, UTB was too disgusted to continue the interview.

In any case, the next time you find yourself accidentally walking into 1920 Commons, remember: skip the food, lick the plates instead.