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To the Boy I Saw on Locust Reading a Book Called ‘the Laws of Murder’: Pretty Sure the Law Is ‘No Murder’


Photo by Jeffrey Smith / CC BY-ND 2.0

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the appeal of a good book. We’ve all settled in on a rainy Sunday with a dog-eared copy of "Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven but Nobody Wants to Die," or another of Dr. Gutmann’s masterpieces. But you’ve crossed a line here, buddy. I mean, “The Laws of Murder”? I’ll tell you what the law is, guy — it’s “No Murder.” 

Seriously, name another law of murder. “Don’t murder”? “Stop murdering people”? “Murder is bad, don’t do it please”? They all boil down to the same thing, friend. I think you get where I’m going with this. 

What were you thinking with this book? Laws and murder just don’t go together. Laws are kind of famously anti-murder; it’s like one of their main things. Now you’re telling me that there are so-called Laws of Murder? Get real, pal.