Listen, I know there’s coffee in it. I know that there’s something else because it’s not just regular coffee. I don’t know how it’s different from a cappuccino or why it seems to cost more. Do I need to know these things to order it everywhere I go? No!

If she had seen the "hey" that you sent four days ago at 3:24 A.M., blind drunk off of eight dollar Pinot Grigio and loneliness, she absolutely would have responded. Right?

Numerous Undergrads Decrying wEaring-pants (NUDE) put out an official statement delineating their position on the crisis.

Keystone Light came in at a close second.

But there's one very compelling argument that voters have not yet considered: Bernie's name can be rearranged to spell "Nabs Reindeers."

Henry is a 21-year-old Wharton student with a love of Corona and a mild case of scurvy. He and his roommates (Chad, Brad, and Mad (short for Madthew)) have three fridges in their Hamilton Court apartment. And yet, a thorough inspection of these fridges would yield not a single vegetable. We sat down with Henry to learn more about his story.

Look, the joke is in the title. I really don't have that much to say about this. I came up with this while bored in STAT-102. It's not even the professor's fault, he's actually a fairly engaging lecturer. Does that compromise the premise of this article? Maybe.

My personal faith in our media institutions have been shaken- what's next, The Statesman not actually having any of the respectability or basic moral decency that such a title invokes? Absolutely unthinkable.

Everyone knows that a strut is trendier than a walk, so it should come as no shock that the highly vaunted magazine has chosen this name. The real question is, what took them so long?

Hi, my name is Patrick. I've overheard thousands of conversations and have been included in 3 or 4. If you're not a gifted conversationalist like me, you might be wondering, "how do I do these dang things?" But don't worry pal, I'm here for you. Here are some helpful tips that can get you started.

When 2017 Wharton MBA graduate Steve Donovan left McKinsey, he was worried that his days of facilitating the immoral detainment of innocent people were over. He doesn’t have to worry anymore! As of this morning, Donovan has locked world-renowned K-pop supergroup BTS in a small steel cage.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s great at accounting. Or counting, at least.

Sinclair apparently believed that “James Jonathan’s” was the real name of the sandwich shop and that Jimmy John’s was simply “another of your preposterous American colloquialisms.” 

I know that many of you will graduate from Penn and pursue career opportunities in the great metropolitan centers: your Toledos, your Fort Waynes, your Wichitas. But I implore you, my fellow Quakers- consider moving to humble New York City.

Your name’s not Michael Fassbender, dummy! Your name’s Eric!

Milton, who will purchase a cute little succulent and accidentally kill it within a week, reasoned that a plant would look good in his room and that he could definitely take care of it.

“I thought he was one of whatever our generation is, but there he goes, turning 22 like a fucking Boomer.”

Avid MexiCali fan and Wharton senior Connor Milliken was overheard today ordering lunch from the local food truck, and boy did he really lean into a Spanish pronunciation of “quesadilla.” Witnesses report that he did “some kind of accent,” which one onlooker described as “hard to place, but definitely not cool.” 

This embarrassing correction was made in an emergency statement issued by the building manager, Jebediah Ham, late last night. Ham shared some passionate words with UTB reporters on the scene. “My father, Lawrence Wyatt Ham IV, did not construct this building with his own two hands for ungrateful college students to refer to it as ‘Hamilton Court.’ Us Hams are proud folk, and we simply will not tolerate this widespread misconception.”

Now that fall is officially upon us, that guy who wears the same Adidas hoodie every day can “finally start dressing.”