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12 Ways to Keep Your Testes Warm


Photo by Lucas Weiner / The Daily Pennsylvanian

With the weather getting colder and colder, it is essential to keep your extremities warm, especially those that can pass your genes.

Here are 12 UTB-tested and approved ways to prevent your scrotum from shriveling into an atrophied mass of dead skin and permanently lodging your testes in your groin. 

1) Wear five pairs of underwear.

2) Wear a glove over your package.

3) Keep hand-warmer packets in your underwear.

4) Always have your hand over your balls. (It’ll be December soon anyway)

5) Constantly be having sex. In the cold weather. 

6) Piss yourself.

7) Get a custom-sized Canada Goose jacket for your nuts. (Only international students are allowed to do this).

8) Constantly be turned on.

9) Wear a diaper. And piss yourself.

10) Constantly hold your overheating Macbook over your groin.

11) Don’t go outside.

12) Autofellatio.