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4 Ways to Make Your Roommate Think You’re Having a Lot Sex

Photo by Lucy Ferry / The Daily Pennsylvanian

So you want your roommate to think you’re having lots of sex, but you’re too afraid or uncharismatic to actually get some? Well, you’ve come to the right place. Here are four tips and methods to make your roommate respect you. 

  1. One of the best ways to make your roommate think you’re having lots of sex is to give purposely vague responses. Let's say they ask how your night was. A proper response would be to smile and “It was fun.” Furthermore, an occasional high five after your response can go a long way. Body language is key in making your roommate think you’re getting some. 
  2. This next trick can kill two birds with one stone. If you have to cram for a midterm or bust out an essay, don’t tell your roommate. Simply, sleepover in the library on these nights. This will have the effect not only of making your roommate think you’re having wild sex on a school night but also of making them think you can get straights As without studying.
  3. So you’re roommate is still not buying it? If this is the case, lock your roommate out of your room at random times and loudly play music so the whole hall can hear. What you do during this time doesn’t matter (may I suggest jumping on your bed when no one is there to judge you or perhaps reading some James Blume UTB articles), but what does matter is time. You don’t want your roommate to think you’re too quick and just masturbating, but also don’t want your roommate to think you’re indecisive and can’t make a move. The sweet spot is roughly 45 minutes.   
  4. Another great method is to “accidentally” leave sex toys on your side of the room. Maybe leave some fluffy handcuffs on your bedside or a black whip on your towel hook. This arc works really well, especially if you increase the toys as the year goes on. It shows you’re maturing sexually. Your roommate will naturally respect your growth as a person and not only think you're sexually active but also a fulfilled person. For those who are not necessarily kinky, there are two things. One, you don’t have to be kinky. You’re just trying to trick your roommate remember? Secondly, if you’re reading this far into the article about pretending to have sex, how the fuck would you know what you’re into. Maybe get out there and then tell me how much you dislike bondage.