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BREAKING: CAPS to Be Relocated to Camden


Photo, with edits by Sammy Gordon, by Dougtone / CC BY-SA 2.0 and The University of Pennsylvania / CC0

President Madame Amy Gutmann and racist beekeeper David Cohen, along with their subordinates on the Board of Trustees of the University of Pennsylvania, have unanimously voted to relocate CAPS to Camden, New Jersey.  

“This location is far enough to provide Penn students with considerable anonymity and close enough for it to technically still be accessible to Penn students,” said Gutmann to the Board. “For many students, CAPS is a 30-or-more minute walk from their residence. That is, simply put, embarrassing. The whole point of CAPS is to stigmatize mental health, which is why it is physically impossible to see anyone you know in the waiting room now. It’s embarrassing to be seen at CAPS, so we need to make it harder to get to.”

Gutmann also cited the current working capacity of CAPS. With the new Camden location, far fewer students will be able to travel to CAPS, thus lowering the demand for therapy and making it much easier to book an appointment.  

President Gutmann continued, “In moving CAPS to Camden, we will also have to lay off most of the current staff. But we don’t expect this to be an issue, as the new location will make mental health services even more inaccessible to students.” She looked around at the blank, unblinking faces of her inferiors, then finally laughed, “As the French say, c’est la vie!” before materializing into a cloud of mist.