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OP-ED: At This Point I Would Change My Name to Carey Law School For, Like, $5

Photo by Ethan Wu / The Daily Pennsylvanian Credit: Arman Murphy

In a move that has prompted widespread criticism, university administrators have changed Penn Law's name to The University of Pennsylvania Carey Law School following a record-breaking $125 million dollar donation from the W.P. Carey Foundation, the largest single donation ever gifted to a law school.

Personally, I think everyone's overreacting. This is just how the world works. Money is money, and $125 million is a lot of money. This gift will allow the law school to increase financial support for law students and expand upon its pro bono program. Both great things! Running a law school is expensive, guys. You all need to take a step back and look at the big picture.

If I was in Penn Law's shoes, I totally would have changed my name for that much money. You kidding? Jesus Christ, dude. You know how many fucking textbooks I could buy with that money? Like, three whole textbooks. That's huge. 

Look, if I'm being honest, times are tough right now. I've been going to too many BYOs. At this point, I'd change my name to Carey Law School for, like, I don't know. $5.

It's not $125 million, but $5 would go a long way. Five McChickens? Damn. That's, like, 1785 calories. With that much dough, I could get four whole hot dogs from Lyn's or even four muffins. I could get two of each or three of one and one of the other. Or vice versa. 

Fuck, man, I'd change my name to something pathetic like Hubert or Lucas Weiner for $5, and I know a lot of you would too. So lay off Penn Law, ok? Or Carey Law, or whatever it's called. The world is expensive, and they're just doing what they have to do to survive. Don't hate the player, hate the game.