Great White Shark Strikes Lauder House

“I thought these damn rich kids would realize it by now,” Amy Solano, Engineering junior, said to reporters Thursday morning. “But no – here we go again because the snake wasn’t enough. I guess whoever is keeping these things didn’t get the body count they wanted the first time.”

According to eyewitness accounts, the Great White was spotted at 4 A.M. roaming the halls of the fourth floor before barging into a suite and swallowing two freshman whole. The screams of survivors alerted the rest of the building, and fire alarms were being pulled by 4:29 A.M. to get everyone to evacuate as soon as possible. In those 29 minutes, however, the shark was able to take the lives of a little under a dozen students, fan favorites including John Locke, Karl Marx, Lao-Tzu, John Stuart Mill, one of the Trumps, Niccolo Machiavelli, Friedrich Nitzsche, and Estee Lauder himself.

“It’s a shame,” a Lauder House Dean stated over the screams of students still trapped inside. “But here at the University of Pennsylvania, we support our students’ freedoms. If someone wants to bring their dangerous animals, they should have every right.”

As the number of casualties reaches a hundred, some hopefuls think this will create some much-needed changes in university policies. Others, like Amy Solano, say, “We can change the rules but the incentive for murder remains. As long as there are rich, there are people that will be bloodthirsty, and one of these days, it’s going to be the rest of us.”