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Interview with the Handsome Old Man in Your Lecture


Photo by Keith Roper / CC BY 2.0

Retired, arthritis-ridden, and almost certainly a billionaire, Mister Riley Johnson takes pride in being an auditor. He takes pride in how your eyes always trail away from the powerpoint slides to gaze upon the wrinkled, yet gentle skin at his neck. He would offer to share his Anthropology notes with you, but he’d waiting on you to make the first move. He knows you can do it.

When asked for an interview, Johnson urged Daily Pennsylvanian staff to be patient, as he was illegally auditing 8 lectures (the class you share with him is really not all that special to him, unfortunately) and it wasn’t until a crisp Sunday morning that he called the writing department himself. He said: “Sorry for the wait, but please make this quick. There’s a class I need to get to.” (It’s yours.)

Johnson, without being asked, recounted his younger days: “It brings a tear to my eye to remember, but I was born on a farm in the midwest on some rainy day. My family was very modest, and we had to move between our multiple mansions across the planet for a very long time. I remember being there when Argentina gained independence from Spain. It’s one of my favorite memories.

“I left my childhood sweetheart on a Toronto beach a few years later. If my memory serves me right, she went on to serve on the frontlines of the invasion of France by the Germans. It was the crazy times of 1970.” You’re just pleased to hear that he seems to be single.

“After I lost a few of my testicles in the war, I did, though, come to Pennsylvania. I’ve been here for a while. I knew Ben Franklin, you know? Excellent guy. I think if he were still here, he’d like what the school turned into. Maybe he’d be auditing classes with me. Hell, maybe he is.”