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Top 3 Places to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse at UPenn


Photo by WestCoastivieS / CC0 1.0

It is a truth universally acknowledged that someday the zombie apocalypse will come. Although no one can be certain of the exact day, every prepared citizen should have a well-thought-out plan. This article will cover the basics of what buildings to stay in during your four years at UPenn. 

1. Hill House

Hill House is a natural fortress. The building, initially built in the 1960s as an all-girl dorm, was designed to keep horny boys outside of its walls. Luckily for us, zombies behave quite similarly. The tall, metal fence and thin windows create a perfect defense against the undead hordes. One would almost think Hill was built a prisonhouse and not a college dorm if Amy Guttman didn’t insist otherwise.  

2. Locust Walk

You may think that Locust Walk would be among the worst spots to survive the zombie apocalypse; however, it is a little known fact that the preachers on Locust are perfect friends to have when the shit hits the fan. Cult leaders are ideal. Our Founders, in their infinite wisdom, knew that freedom to bear arms and religion was key in letting our nation survive the zombie hoards. These cults are not only armed to the teeth with “hunting” equipment but also have great emotional support groups. Aren’t you glad you can shoot 60-100 rounds a minute now?

3. Huntsman

Like the Huntsman study rooms, huntsman during the zombie apocalypse is a great place to be if you can get it in. Huntsman during the zombie apocalypse will be defended by the finest Penn can afford. It will also be fully powered and offer free meals. However, only Wharton students will be allowed in.