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Still a Virgin? Elizabeth Warren Has a Plan for That


Photo (with edits) by Gage Skidmore / CC BY-SA 2.0

You might find yourself depressed on a crisp Wednesday night, overcome with the tragedies of your love life. This ‘losing your virginity before graduating’ plan is starting to feel less hopeful. Last week, you barely brushed hands with a potential lover before curling up and suffering a stroke. It’s in times like these where we turn to our politicians for help, and only Elizabeth Warren has stepped up to the challenge.

“It just makes me like her more,” said College freshman Frued Thomas. “I don’t think a lot of the presidential candidates really get what’s important to us these days. Like yeah, I know that she defended fascist regimes, but we’re talking about me here.”

A surge in popularity has followed Warren’s latest tweet on the subject: “Our community has been overrun with gamer virgins. I won’t allow it. #resist”. The proposed legislation could be found in an attached google doc. Many of her supporters, and even some of the very cool Pete Bootlegleg team, replied with variations of “Yas kween [heart eyes emoji] [heart eyes emoji]” or “jaja q kool miss warren :0”.

And what exactly is her plan to get rid of your virginity, you ask? Well, ;)