This Is The Year I Crack This Alchemy Thing

It might be a new year, but I’m still the same son of a bitch, and this bitch is on a mission. For years I’ve been trying to do something that no one else has done before, and I think this is finally my year. I’m gonna crack this alchemy thing.

My chem teacher is adamant that alchemy isn’t real, but I know he's just trying to protect the secret. I mean, how hard can it really be? It’s just changing matter, and things change all the time. If my body can transform a panini into poop, then I should be able to change the number of protons in an atom. 

I’m gonna be so rich. I mean if I can make my own gold, think of all the stuff I could buy. I could eat paninis every day! Issac Newton can suck it.