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Gutmann Blows Through Endowment During Feb Club Atlantic City Trip


Photo (with edits by Arman Murphy) by I-5 Design & Manufacture / CC BY 2.0; Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian

After a wild outing with the senior class in Atlantic City, it appears President Amy Gutmann has gambled away  the University's entire endowment

Onlookers report that Gutmann strutted into the Tropicana casino Saturday night and barreled straight to the roulette table, saying, "I'll put the Class of 2024's financial aid on red, please." Unfortunately, recently-accepted students now may have to look elsewhere for tuition assistance.

After a series of losses, Gutmann decided she would fare better in a skill-based game such as poker. However, the Power of Penn was not enough to save her from going all-in with a pair of fours and losing the down payment for a new Linguistics building (not that it was ever going to happen).

Even with the entirety of Penn's math department counting cards, Gutmann failed to offset the $14 billion loss and — in a last-ditch effort — put her private helicopter (and ride home) on the line. Seniors were puzzled when a sullen Gutmann stepped onto the school bus to carry students back to campus.

On the bright side, the University is no longer invested in fossil fuels