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Congratulations! You’ve Been Selected for a Lobotomy


Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian

You did it! You’ve finally been selected for an old-fashioned icepick lobotomy. Say goodbye to your frontal lobe and say hello to a whole new world, you iconic legend! A talented team of specialized doctors have decided that you should not think anymore. It would be a net positive for society if you were no longer able to generate thoughts.

Your appointment with the neurosurgeon is for tomorrow morning so make sure you let out any final thoughts tonight—not that anyone wants to hear them. It’s time to say goodbye to higher-level decision making, reasoning, understanding, personality expression, creativity, and behaving in a socially acceptable way. You won’t be bothered by those pesky little thought processes anymore!

The procedure, popularized by famed psychosurgeon Dr. Walter Freeman, will be performed at the Jameela Jamil Center for Frontal Lobe Removal. The procedure will be performed by Gwyneth Paltrow. “While I usually stick to just energy healing and try to avoid surgery at all costs, I truly believe you need this lobotomy. You should not think,” said Paltrow.

So sleep tight! Tomorrow morning Gwyneth Paltrow will be shoving a sanitized orbitoclast into your left eye socket and obliterating your ability to ever generate another thought. As she pricks away at the connections between the neurons in your frontal lobe, the you will lose the ability to contribute another one of your god-awful ideas to this planet. And when you wake up you will say, “sdfjbdflksvjbsgdbkndf.” Ah, peace at least.