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Danny Cooper


Report: Besties Who Slay Together Stay Together

Statistically significant results found that a maximized joint slay between besties resulted in loving and long-lasting relationships. No joint slay? The results were much more ominous for these besties.

Greek Life Members Head to Greek Rank to Build Wholesome and Inclusive COVID-Safe Online Community

The famously loving and prudent Greek life community has not let the coronavirus pandemic stop them from creating safe spaces for their members to thrive. 

UPenn Alert: One Person Voluntarily Releases Their Belongings to Another (Unarmed Robbery)

Last Friday night as you stumbled back from your COVID-safe hangout with all forty of your closest besties - it happened. A stranger approached you for your wallet and you – being the little bitch you are – gave it to them.

Hot Girls Stay Winning! Meet Tropical Storm Theta

 We at UTB have one thing to say to Tropical Storm Theta – yaaaasss and slay!!! 

Modern Day Malcolm X! Jessica Posted a Black Square on Instagram

Jessica had not posted a single thing about the Black Lives Matter movement before #blackouttuesday, but she was sure to use the #blacklivesmatter hashtag to drown out any useful information being shared on social media.

Oink Oink! Meet the Gay Cop Queering White Supremacy

Morris may owe most of his freedoms he enjoys as a gay man today to queer people of color like Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera, but today he is a proud member of the system the brave LGBT people at Stonewall were rioting against.

OP-ED: I Shaved a Slit in My Eyebrow Because I’m Doing Super Great and Feeling Super Awesome

This was not a desperate attempt at control — it was just a simple aesthetic choice.

The Louvre Didn't Burn Down, but This Is the Picture I Would Post If It Did

The Louvre — the treasured largest art museum in the world — has not burned down. But if it were to burn down, I would post the above picture on my Instagram.

OP-ED: Being Pretty is Skilled Labor

Being the sole beautiful person in a space — as I often am — brings a pressure few could understand.

Ay Bruv! British Student Finds Her Weekend to Be ‘Quite Nice’

British exchange student Jessica Cannon had a “top drawer” weekend. “Lit rally had the time of my lyfe. Last night was a film luv.” said Cannon. “I quite liked it.”

Sophomore to Study Abroad in Quahog, Rhode Island

“It seems today, that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV,” said Wharton sophomore Roger Smith about his decision to study abroad in the small New England town of Quahog, Rhode Island.

Congratulations! You’ve Been Selected for a Lobotomy

Say goodbye to your frontal lobe and say hello to a whole new world! A talented team of specialized doctors have decided that you should not think anymore.

Queen Shit! McKenzie Blacked Out Again Last Night

McKenzie was really feeling herself that night and decided she wanted to share with her devoted Instagram followers just how great she was feeling. And what better way than with a nude on her rinsta! “Iconic!!”

Congratulations! You’ve Been Selected for the Car Table at Distrito

What will you be having tonight? Hmmmm a margarita of course! You’ve worked hard, you deserve a treat. And to eat? Maybe some tofu tacos – something plant-based because you’re such a great person. They only give the car table to the best of the best, you know. 

The Results Are In! The Hottest Pets on Campus Are a Loose Rat and a Box of Bugs

After a campus wide poll, Under the Button Dot Com is proud to announce that this year’s most popular pets are a loose rat and a box of bugs. These trendy pets come with many benefits and are relatively easy to take care of—the perfect pet for any busy college student. The more one researches these cuddly cuties, the more one understands why so many students on campus are adding a loose rat and a box of bugs to their home.

Gay Rights! LGBT Center to Introduce Poppers on Tap

The party drug, popular amongst queers and avant-garde heterosexuals, will now be supplied on tap at the LGBT Center. Drop by with your reusable vial and fill up!

Sophomore Develops Nicotine Addiction in Preparation for Semester Abroad in Europe

There is nothing as handsome as a man with a cigarette. He might be showing early signs of lung cancer but he’s sure to have a hell of a time abroad.