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It's Over: Professor Discovered Joy Division


Photo (with edits) by Susanne Nilsson / CC BY-SA 2.0; Matt Biddulph / CC BY-SA 2.0

“I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand… could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?”

The opening line of Joy Division’s 1979 album rang through the auditorium speakers. To Professor Dorsett’s ears, the music was bliss. But to his students, it was nothing short of agony.

“Lord, please, no!” Myrtle Fields (C ‘21) protested as Ian Curtis’ vocals danced around the room. “Why couldn’t it have been Coldplay or Eminem?”

Although it initially took a while for Dorsett to warm up to the band’s revolutionary style and dark tone, he now begins every lecture blasting a track from their debut album, “Unknown Pleasures.”

“Forget biology. Have any of you ever felt true sorrow?” Dorsett shouted from the podium as the opening to “Candidate” began to play.

The renowned professor of biology happened upon the English rock band’s LP at a garage sale last Sunday.

“From that point onward, our lives were irreparably changed,” Joseph Hughes (C ‘22) lamented, tears beginning to pool on the table. “His mood’s taken a turn for the worse.”

While the university has found professor Dorsett’s newfound addiction to post-punk to be “concerning,” they have ultimately ruled that he is free to act like an edgelord during lecture if he so pleases.

“Okay kids, true or false,” Dorsett said with a tip of his trilby. “In 1979, Joy Division recorded the most beautifully crafted, emotional, and visceral album of all time.”

According to firsthand reports, biology students have agreed to hold out until Dorsett at least discovers New Order.