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Vigilante Justice! Cough in This Recitation and You Will Be Squirt-Gunned With Green Apple Hand Sanitizer


Photo by Hans / Pixabay License

One recent study conducted by the University concluded that it is indeed sniffing szn, bois. Sick students everywhere are saying, “COUGHHH COUGCCougcuoguhghGHCOUGH.” Healthy students everywhere are saying, "oh HEyyyyll no." While healthy students avoiding sickness usually resort to passive measures such as mask-wearing and hermitage-seeking, one healthy sophomore Larissa Jacobs is taking a more aggressive approach. She has taken it upon herself to wield a hand sanitizer squirt gun. Said Larissa, “I swear anyone who coughs anywhere near me is getting an immediate, lifetime dose of green apple hand sanitizer straight to the mouth.” 

"It all started one day in recitation," said Andy Yoo, Jacobs' intro geology TA. Eye-witnesses claim a student sniffled from the back of the class and Jacobs turned around and just shot him in the face. Said Yoo, "Her methods are effective not because they actually eliminate the disease at hand, but because they eliminate sick people both physically and emotionally. That is to say, everyone that she shoots leaves the room immediately with tears in their eyes."

While some students laud Jacobs for her heroic, Lone Texas Ranger antics, others are furious. Henrietta Nichols (C '22) told UTB, "I'm just mad because she clearly thinks she's better than me. She's all like 'I'm not disgusting! Blehh!!' And then she's like, 'I don't have doctors mandating that I Neti pot 14 times a day. BLehhH!!'" We're all disgusting on the inside, Larissa!!"

Luckily, Nichols and other victims of the squirt gun appeared only emotionally harmed. They seemed to have no regard for the idea that Jacobs had assaulted them. Said the students, "Ehh... it's Penn. Assault isn't really that big of a deal."