BREAKING: United States to Consider Saving Lives
Photo by: The Daily Pennsylvanian
April 5, 2020 at 2:14 pm
‘What?!’ you say, “but I wanted hundreds to die every day in my country!’ Well, unfortunately for most of you, it seems, the United States, after certain interest groups have been exceptionally annoying with their whining about human rights and dignity, has decided otherwise. Now, this isn’t entirely for sure, and personally, I would prefer it weren’t. This information itself comes from President Donald Trump’s most recent Twitch livestream.
“It’s come to my attention,” Mr. Trump would say, “and you know me, I have a lot of attention. The greatest attention anyone’s ever had. You see that guy over there? He tells me, ‘Greatest attention I’ve ever seen, sir. Incredible.” He would pause to nod. “Well, I’ll be honest, the Democrats…” The crowd booed, to which he nodded again. “Yeah, the Democrats. Again!” More booing. “Well, the Democrats — especially that Nancy Pelosi… You know her? I know her. They say she’s one of the worst speakers of American history. It’s true! See that guy over there? He told me, ‘Mr. President, she’s crazy.’ And I — told him he was right.” Massive applause.
From this interaction, it’s clear that Donald Trump has been pressured to consider saving lives. Initially, he wasn’t very concerned, as we all know. He notably tweeted at multiple points that he wanted to implement Yang’s UBI plan just “for the fuck of it,” but it seems some are asking for more.
“It’s stupid. So stupid. Stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Imagine something stupider. I can’t. Where I’m from, you know what we call that? Stupid!” The audience continued to cheer.