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Oh No! Melanie Failed Her Coronavirus Test


Photo by Governor Tom Wolf / CC BY 2.0

In the United States, doctors have become very selective about who they test for coronavirus. That is why Melanie Jones, an Engineering freshman, and serial hand cougher, was so excited to be chosen for coronavirus testing about one week ago today.

"I am so honored to even be considered alongside the other candidates," said Melanie, drunk at 10 a.m., to the mirror in her room. "To be chosen for this opportunity is a blessing... a truly once in a lifetime opportunity. I don't deserve this." Melanie's parents reported, "We heard alcohol kills the virus, so we've been giving her our old Christmas tequila for breakfast. It was all we had left."

Melanie's doctors explained that a nationwide lack of testing kits has led to novel decision-making techniques. On Sunday morning, Dr. Roland Velez of Minnesota explained, "We start by testing all cases over 55, then we let a silkworm crawl on a piece of paper with every other candidate's name on it in order to choose the rest. That''s how we chose Ms. Jones." Said the silkworm, "I went to medical school."

On Monday morning, Melanie received a call that her results had come back negative. Poor sad Melanie, filled with shame and drunk as hell, stumbled down the stairs to tell her parents she had failed. After some sobbing, Melanie announced she had failed her coronavirus test. "I knew it was pass/fail but my advisor told me they never fail anyone, mom!" Said failing Penn students across the country, "Me too, Melanie. Me too."