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Basically Shakespeare: Jeremy Finishes 700-Page "Killer Bean" Fan Fiction


Photo by Robert Knapp / CC Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported 

For those of you who are uncultured, the "Killer Bean" saga is a cinematic masterpiece renowned the world over. It began in 1996 when Jeff Lew, a visual effects artist for X-Men, The Matrix Reloaded,  and TRON: Legacy, decided to breathe life into the world. That is, he decided to single-handedly write, direct, animate, and produce The Killer Bean.  

The film portrayed the imprisonment and interrogation of an anthropomorphized "Killer" bean by several other anthropomorphized beans. A truly moving tale. The Killer Bean currently has 6.3/10 stars on IMDb which is, quite frankly, a lot more stars than you probably have on IMDb. 

Over the years, the tale of Killer Bean continued through short films. Lew started "Killer Bean Studios," and in 2009 he published the 85-minute, Killer Bean Forever. This is where Jeremy Stanley, graduating Wharton senior and fully-grown adult man, comes into the story. 

"The plot of Killer Bean Forever moved me" said Stanley, who might have a bean kink. "I mean... Jack "Killer" Bean and those other gunslinger coffee beans... they've never had their story told. I can't think of a more important or moving tale to tell in 2020, especially during this pandemic." That is, evidently, why Stanley has spent all of quarantine writing a 700-page Killer Bean fan fiction. 

Said Stanley, "The story was already great, but I wanted to improve it." Sources say Stanley's addition to the "story" was primarily a sexual one. Despite never having read Shakespeare, Stanley has opted to honor the great poet by dubbing his own opus, King Bean. Asked Stanley's mother, "Can someone please explain Killer Bean to me again?"