Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

Big Data: Check Out This Humongous Data


Photo by TheDigitalArtist / CC0

Big. Data.

These days, it’s unavoidable. From our refrigerators to our bank accounts, big data is lurking behind every corner. But, according to Gallup, 89% of Americans have never heard of big data in their entire, blissful lives. Even fewer have actually seen what it looks like.

Today, we offer a remedy to this pressing issue. UTB is proud to present: the biggest, baddest, most overwhelming data we could find. Yup, there it is, right up there. Human male for scale. Go ahead, feast your eyeballs. But don’t touch it. You’re never going to wash out that stain, let me tell you that.

All of those majestic, flowing, glistening green stripes. What ever could it mean? I haven’t the slightest. They say to truly understand big data, you have to listen to at least fifty hours of Kraftwerk. Hey, don’t look at me. I don’t make the rules here.

The sheer size of that data, man. I mean... it’s staggering. Imagine what one person could do with all of that freaking data at their disposal. Probably like, program a robot to cook scrambled eggs every morning. Or maybe design an AI to subdue political dissidents en masse as they attempt to challenge the sovereignty of the state. I don’t know, something wacky like that!

“Okay, for real. Where did all of this data come from?” you may be asking yourself. “How did the good folks at UTB even get their hands on such a humongous horde of hexadecimal hieroglyphs?” Well, what can I say. A magician never reveals their secrets, young Padawan.

Oh crap, it’s starting to seep into the carpet. That’s sort of discouraging. I paid good money for that. Hey, uhh… could you lend a hand? Forget what I said about the magician and the Padawan or whatever… help me wrangle this oversized chuck of raw info before it’s too late!

Seriously, help! It’s getting everywhere, and it smells like burnt rubber. Is this the true power of big data?

Okay, I tossed my copy of Click on DVD into the nebulous cloud, and that seems to have appeased it. Kind of strange, but a fair trade in my book.

Let this be a lesson to you. A warning to all future data dabblers. A cautionary tale of big data, if you will.

I’m going to be finding ones and zeros in the floorboards for months…