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To Replicate Freshman Experience, Penn Residential Services to Shut Off Warm Water to Your House at Random Points in Day


Photo (with edits) by Q000024 / CC0

#Thriving! As part of a new initiative to bring the freshman experience to students across the globe, Penn Residential Services says it will intermittently shut off your house’s warm water supply without warning.

Partnering with major water companies in the US and abroad, Residential Services has made a commitment to making basic hygiene just a little bit harder to attain.

“Freshman year is a time defined by self-discovery, opportunities, and perseverance,” a spokesperson said last Monday. “It’s also a time defined by the communal shower breaking down at unpredictable times, forcing you to endure an excruciating polar blast just so that you can get clean.”

Whether you need the sink, shower, or toilet, Penn has ensured that no frosh will miss out on volatile, unreliable plumbing. Emilia Rochester, a freshman studying political science, was especially pleased with the accommodations made by Penn to the Class of 2024.

“So I was showering last week, and suddenly the water went cold and the pipes in the wall started shaking and gurgling,” Rochester excitedly told UTB. “If I close my eyes, it’s like I’m really in a shared bathroom in KCECH! So cool.”

As with every substantial policy change, a good helping of backlash is unavoidable. Incoming freshman Enzo Souza had less than kind words for Penn admins after his kitchen sink stopped working.

“Are you kidding me? I sent in a maintenance request two weeks ago, and they still haven’t replied,” Souza fumed. “I get that you want to make sure everybody gets the first year experience they deserve, but maybe seizing control of our private water supply and switching off our utilities during arbitrary intervals isn’t the way to go about it.”

Despite an influx of negative feedback, Penn Residential Services has vowed that nothing will stop them from delivering the full freshman experience to everyone. Rest assured, fledgling Penn students have a lot coming up on the horizon for them.

“We’re excited to announce that we’re currently working with 1920 Commons on a mandatory dining plan that will ship a daily helping of rice pilaf and curry right to your doorstep,” the spokesperson said, licking his lips. “Bon appétit, baby!”