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5 Ways to Announce You’re Going Back In The Closet Following ACB Confirmation


Photo (with edits by UTB Staff) by The White House / CC PDM 1.0 

Listen up, queers. Last night was tough – not because it was another wasted wishing you were at Woody’s – but because Amy Coney Barrett was officially confirmed to the Supreme Court. It can be hard to believe that this noted girl boss doesn’t have a progressive track record. After all she is a woman! Like, what’s up with that? Anyways, it is pretty obvious gay rights are on the chopping block. Here are some helpful ways you can announce you’re going back in the closet to live your best authentic life as a straight person. 

Put your Spotify on public and play exclusively country music. 

  • Straight people absolutely love this shit and will receive you with open arms.

Start a meme page and only post about The Office.

  • Michael Scott is so funny! And Dwight is such a prankster! Who else is looking for the Jim to their Pam? Oscar is kind of annoying though, right?

Tweet customer service complaints at companies.

  • This is straight culture. We will not be elaborating. 

Transfer to Notre Dame University. 

  • The home base of ACB herself, transferring to Notre Dame will let everyone know you’re definitely a straight person. Honestly a transfer to any school in Indiana will probably get the message across. 

Burn down the LGBT Center.

  • Let it be known you do not support that place and have no connection to it. You feel nothing as it goes up in flames.

And finally try not to be sad. Gay rights lasted 5 whole years. That’s almost as long as Glee’s 6-year TV run, and that should count for something!