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Tips for Perfect Mental Health: Don't Go to Therapy


Photo (with edits) by Wonderlane / Public domain

As summer fades into fall, many of us are struggling to adjust to this new, virtual school year. Fears of COVID-19 loom over our heads. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to make new in-person connections, and many people are feeling more lonely than ever. Under the Button cares about the mental health of its readership, so we’ve unanimously decided to share our biggest secret for perfect mental health.

Don’t go to therapy.

When you go to therapy, the therapist starts asking questions -- questions you haven’t even thought of answers to before. Does that sound conducive to good mental health? We don’t think so. A therapist will also try to help you remember things that you've repressed. If those memories are so important, then why did you repress them? The therapist might try to convince you that things are better than you think, but they aren’t. You’ve literally already made up your mind.

Finally, if therapy works “so well,” why do you have to keep going back? Therapy is a capitalist cash-grab scheme, and we’re tired of big Psych compelling our readers to waste their money. Here’s UTB’s definitive list of ways to cope with your mental illness productively:

  1. New Perspectives: consume a little piece off a tab of acid every day
  2. Relinquishing Responsibility: ask your mom about something traumatic that happened to her before you were born
  3. Misery Politics: talk to a millennial, and they will tell you that the worst is yet to come
  4. Quitting Bad Habits: stop doing your readings
  5. Sense of Civic Duty: make sure you’re registered to vote!