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How to Cook Your Chonky Seal

Photo by nutmeg66 (2.0 Generic (CC BY-NC-ND 2.0))

The first step of cooking a Chonky Seal is procuring one. If you do not have a Chonky Seal one has two options: catching or buying. Catching a Chonky Seal, although difficult, is a worthwhile endeavor. The easiest way to catch a Chonky Seal is to slather up a penguin with warm butter and let it sit in your backyard overnight. You’re going to want to make sure to use a lot of seasoning or you may just attract a chunky seal, or worse, a plop raccoon. If you are choosing to buy your Chonky Seal (which is, unfortunately, illegal in many states) I advise slapping the belly before making your purchase. If the belly is too firm then that is not a Chonky Seal--that is a ripped seal with a six pack. If the belly is too soft then it is likely a Giga Chonky Seal--avoid theses as they are not worth the extra cost. 

If you already have one or just caught your Chonky SeaI I highly advise storing it overnight in your bathtub with at least one squeaky toy or in your bed snuggled against you. Chonky Seals need constant emotional and physical upkeep to remain delicious. Love is a must when storing your Chonky Seal. We’ve all read the horrors stories of chefs who didn’t care enough for their Chonky Seal and had the Seals begin to workout to get attention. There’s nothing worse than a Shredded Seal who can bench over 200 pounds. 

When you cook your Chonky Seal, you’re going to want to put virgin olive oil in the pan and let it warm. Throw a few crushed cloves of garlic and let it cook until translucent. From here, you’re going to want to kill your Chonky Seal. If you have experience and can find the seal’s neck among the fat, I highly advise using the kitchen knife to slit the throat. If you’re inexperienced, I advise using blunt force to break in the Chonky Seal’s skull. You’re going to want to make sure you keep the blood of the Chonky Seal and store it as it is great for a broth later on. Now with your knife you're going to want to cut the fat around the now-dead Chonky Seal much like cutting a bell pepper. Throw the fat onto the pan as you cut it. It’ll seem like a lot, but it’ll cook down. The pan will begin to get that delicious garlicky, Chonky grease. 

When the Chonky meat stops frying, you know you’re done. Store the rest of your Chonky Seal in the freezer and add some garnishes to your plate. You just made Chonky Steak. Bon Appetite!