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Freshman Who Read 'Atlas Shrugged' in High School Can't Wait to Tear Shit Up in Ethics Class


Photo (with edits) by Madison Scott-Clary / CC BY 2.0 and Wikimedia Commons / CC0

Look out! Freshman Allen Milan is about to bring a new world of hurt to your local ethics class.

Milan, popularly known in his high school as “the fedora kid”, was reportedly pumped to spew some quotes from Ayn Rand’s magnum opus of philosophical fiction: Atlas Shrugged. His goal? To prove to everyone why objectivism is the only valid way of living, and why you would be a complete and utter knuckle-dragger to think otherwise.

“Come on, guys,” Milan said, stroking his greasy chin. “I already figured all of this out when I was in ninth grade!”

No matter what the discussion topic of the day is, Milan makes sure to shoehorn in a few tenets from Rand’s philosophical framework built on reason, self-interest, and capitalism.

“Cassie, I think that was a good point you made about the failures of our education system to promote social equity, but did you know that ‘thou shalt not be thy brother’s keeper?’” Milan said, his lips beginning to form into the shape of a smirk.

Unfortunately, Milan has accrued somewhat of a poor reputation for his overbearing demeanor, as well as being one of the few people alive who actually finished reading Atlas Shrugged.

“They fear me, that’s all,” Milan retorted, taking a puff on his handheld vaporizer. “They fear what they can’t understand.”

Although Milan’s professor praised the assertive libertarian energy the freshman brings to every class, he does have some reservations about his radical beliefs.

“It’s great to have somebody that isn’t afraid to speak up and share their thoughts with everyone,” Professor Gustav commented. “But his desire to build a thriving transcontinental railroad and free America from the shackles of big government alongside a cabal of free-thinking business magnates isn’t really appropriate for this class.”

For now, Milan has refused to reconsider his ideology, and promises to spread the word of Rand to those willing and unwilling to listen to him.

“When the entire world’s bearing down on you, like it was on the shoulders of the great titan Atlas, what can one do... ” Milan mused with a tip of his hat. “Except… shrug?”