Is He Cute or Is He The Only Liberal Boy in a 20-Mile Radius?
October 20, 2020 at 4:13 am
Gabriela Glassmann (C ‘24) is a sweet girl from Hicktown, USA who has developed some strong liberal values despite being from a small town that voted 90% Trump in 2016. Since being accepted to Penn, she has been excited to get out of her conservative bubble and enter the liberal atmosphere of Philadelphia. But with COVID, she has been forced to stay at home surrounded by all her MAGA-loving high school classmates.
Over quarantine, she hasn’t minded the loneliness much… but recently, she has pondered what having a partner to pick pumpkins with at the local corn maze would be like. However, when choosing a boyfriend, Gabriela must always play the game of “is he cute, or is he the only liberal boy in a 20-mile radius?” For those unfamiliar with what it’s like living in the countryside… this game is similar to “Are they hot or do they have a useable private gym in their apartment complex?” and “Is he sexy or does he have a slight European accent?”
It has been challenging for Gabriela to stick to her values during dating. Cause sure, her neighbor Jake is a tad xenophobic, but he’s a firefighter and his hot bod can drive a woman wild. And yeah, maybe Kyle down the street is a bit sexist, but his family is rich, and they own a lake house! Oh, and perhaps Luke has a confederate flag hanging but — okay never mind on that one.
On dates with the sole local liberal boy, Gabriela must remind herself of certain things. She asks herself “Am I swooning over him or just… his views and his close proximity?” Like, is he really THAT attractive or is he the first boy to ever admit climate change is real? Does he give me butterflies, or does he also give money to bail funds? Do I love him, or do I just love that he didn’t attend last week’s local pro-life march?
Regardless of his political views, though, Gabriela knows how this will end. He’ll give her his favorite flannels to wear, “introduce” her to The Strokes and Vampire Weekend, drive her around in his fuel-efficient Prius, and then intelligently gaslight and manipulate her like always. But hey, at least he’s voting blue?