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Evan Shreffler


Articles

BREAKING: Santa Claus Charged for Violating Elven Labor Laws

One elf remarked: “We aren’t even paid — we are basically servants that do free labor. Santa only gives us cookies for our tireless work. And now we all have diabetes! He knows we won’t find work anywhere else, given that we are three feet tall."


UGH: Hometown High Schoolers Took Your Old Make Out Spot

Absolutely tragic! The Zoomers have won once again.


Student Spotlight: Penn Undergrad The Lorax Accepts Internship At ExxonMobil

Would you rather have that nasty oil in the ground? / Or have it used for sweet, sweet energy all around?


BREAKING: Canvas Latest Platform to Introduce “Stories”

One student who was in beta-testing shared: “At 3 AM every night I post videos of myself crying to Hozier or Phoebe Bridgers while struggling to write 10-page essays. I see others post similar stories. It’s incredibly depressing… but, hey, at least we are in this together <3"



REPORT: "Dreams and Nightmares" Heard Blasting Non-Stop From Joe Biden's Delaware Home

Biden was heard loudly and poorly "rapping" along to his favorite parts of the song. "Flexin' on these n-words, I'm like Popeye on his spinach yo" and "Icy as a hockey rink, Philly neighbors I'm a fly-er yuh"


Election Fixed All Our Racism Problems, It's Time To Go Back To Brunch!

Celebration time! We did it! We resisted! Time to relax, sleep in, and stop marching and protesting. With savior Joe Biden elected, we can stop discussing wealth and racial inequalities every single day and get back to brunch at White Dog Cafe!  


SPORTS REPORT: Penn Basketball Already Recruiting 6-Foot-6-Inch Forward Barron Trump

Can Barron ‘The Trump Tower’ Trump one day lead the team to an Ivy League title? 


How to Perfect Your Spook-tacular Amy Gutmann Halloween Costume

The best way to lock down a Gutmann costume is to spook West Philly residents. Strutting down the streets, checking out future Penn property, being the gentrifying queen you are. Maybe there’s a cool space to build New College House West West?


8-hour Voting Lines Are Actually Vital For a Well-Functioning American Democracy

While you gleefully wait to vote, you can discuss with others in line with you… even those across the political aisle. You can discuss important items - like the candidates, policies, and how long the line is that y’all are currently standing in. 


Brett Kavanaugh Confused, Is He Not "Packing" Enough for the Current Supreme Court?

When asked about the possibility of court-packing the Supreme Court, Kavanaugh became very puzzled. “Wait. Did you say packing? The court? But I’m on that? I certainly think I am packing enough ‘down there.’” The justice made UTB aware that his nicknames at law school were ‘The Hanging Judge’, ‘The Magistrate with Massive Meatballs’, ‘Colossal Kavanaugh’, and ‘Brett and His Big Gavel’.  


OP-ED: To Gain Support Among Liberals, The Fracking Industry Needs To Get WOKE

“Nevertheless, she persisted” merchandise? More like “Nevertheless, she frack-sisted” merch!  


Is He Cute or Is He The Only Liberal Boy in a 20-Mile Radius?

For those unfamiliar with what it’s like living in the countryside… this is similar to “Are they hot or do they have a useable private gym in their apartment complex?” and “Is he sexy or does he have a slight European accent?” 


City of Philadelphia to Dispatch Gritties to Protect Philly From Voter Intimidation

Most think Gritty is just some 7-foot-tall lovable, furry creature. And they would be wrong… as ‘it’ isn’t just that. Gritty is something more. A symbol of the city. A true protector of its citizens. The orange knight we deserve.


"Huh, When Did This Get Here?" Lost Student Stumbles Upon Clark Park

Walking home hungover from a “crazy, wild, but socially-distanced!” night, Becky took a few wrong turns and ended up at the corner of 43rd and Baltimore. She looked around, confused... A huge park… just right off of campus??


2 for 1 Deal! Chad Can Give You Chlamydia AND Coronavirus

Chads, Brads, Tanners, and Todds alike have been very successful in quarantine at having women feel pain in all the wrong places… from a severe persistent cough because of coronavirus to vaginal discharge that smells like a Red Lobster due to chlamydia. 


Ben on the Bench Gets His Revenge, Awakens to Piss on Students

I approached the bench, unbuttoned, ready to wizz... when Ben hopped up shouting, "Enough of this shit. I'm going to make y'all as wet as my old French mistresses!" Breeches down, he soaked us with 33 years of alcohol-infused piss.


BREAKING: Instead of Paying PILOTs, Penn Offering 50% BOGO on Bookstore Apparel to All West Philly Residents

When asked how this decision will help out schools, Cohen stated with a smile: “The Penn Bookstore is committed to price matching any textbook needs."


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