Swallowing goldfish, binge drinking, ole-fashioned hazing? Those punishments are sooooo last year. This year’s pledging will be full of being brutally forced to stay inside and suffer in isolation! Sisterhood. 

One elf remarked: “We aren’t even paid — we are basically servants that do free labor. Santa only gives us cookies for our tireless work. And now we all have diabetes! He knows we won’t find work anywhere else, given that we are three feet tall."

Absolutely tragic! The Zoomers have won once again.

Would you rather have that nasty oil in the ground? / Or have it used for sweet, sweet energy all around?

One student who was in beta-testing shared: “At 3 AM every night I post videos of myself crying to Hozier or Phoebe Bridgers while struggling to write 10-page essays. I see others post similar stories. It’s incredibly depressing… but, hey, at least we are in this together <3"

Is she... you know...?

Biden was heard loudly and poorly "rapping" along to his favorite parts of the song. "Flexin' on these n-words, I'm like Popeye on his spinach yo" and "Icy as a hockey rink, Philly neighbors I'm a fly-er yuh"

Celebration time! We did it! We resisted! Time to relax, sleep in, and stop marching and protesting. With savior Joe Biden elected, we can stop discussing wealth and racial inequalities every single day and get back to brunch at White Dog Cafe!  

Can Barron ‘The Trump Tower’ Trump one day lead the team to an Ivy League title? 

The best way to lock down a Gutmann costume is to spook West Philly residents. Strutting down the streets, checking out future Penn property, being the gentrifying queen you are. Maybe there’s a cool space to build New College House West West?

While you gleefully wait to vote, you can discuss with others in line with you… even those across the political aisle. You can discuss important items - like the candidates, policies, and how long the line is that y’all are currently standing in. 

When asked about the possibility of court-packing the Supreme Court, Kavanaugh became very puzzled. “Wait. Did you say packing? The court? But I’m on that? I certainly think I am packing enough ‘down there.’” The justice made UTB aware that his nicknames at law school were ‘The Hanging Judge’, ‘The Magistrate with Massive Meatballs’, ‘Colossal Kavanaugh’, and ‘Brett and His Big Gavel’.  

“Nevertheless, she persisted” merchandise? More like “Nevertheless, she frack-sisted” merch!  

For those unfamiliar with what it’s like living in the countryside… this is similar to “Are they hot or do they have a useable private gym in their apartment complex?” and “Is he sexy or does he have a slight European accent?” 

Most think Gritty is just some 7-foot-tall lovable, furry creature. And they would be wrong… as ‘it’ isn’t just that. Gritty is something more. A symbol of the city. A true protector of its citizens. The orange knight we deserve.

Walking home hungover from a “crazy, wild, but socially-distanced!” night, Becky took a few wrong turns and ended up at the corner of 43rd and Baltimore. She looked around, confused... A huge park… just right off of campus??

Chads, Brads, Tanners, and Todds alike have been very successful in quarantine at having women feel pain in all the wrong places… from a severe persistent cough because of coronavirus to vaginal discharge that smells like a Red Lobster due to chlamydia. 

I approached the bench, unbuttoned, ready to wizz... when Ben hopped up shouting, "Enough of this shit. I'm going to make y'all as wet as my old French mistresses!" Breeches down, he soaked us with 33 years of alcohol-infused piss.

When asked how this decision will help out schools, Cohen stated with a smile: “The Penn Bookstore is committed to price matching any textbook needs."