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US Voters Take Gold in 2020 Olympics Mental Gymnastics


Photo by Martin Rulsch with Edits by Darrion Chen/  CC BY-SA 4.0

The United States mental gymnastics team has once again defended their title in the Olympic mental gymnastics event. 

“We’ve trained really hard,” said US team captain Mitch McConnell. “Everyday we wake up in the morning, go on our runs and verbally assault people who don’t look white. And then after our run, we all go to the downtown Mexican restaurant and enjoy breakfast. And then we drive our big Honda pick up-trucks to the lake and go fishing in our boats made of Chinese steel.”

This year at the Olympics, the US mental gymnastics team stunned judges in the semi-finals with a show-stopping performance of anti-mask advocacy. 

“It was a sight to see,” said event judge Angela Holland. “First they reiterated their commitment to pro-life and pro-family values by vehemently denouncing abortion. They said that they would do anything to save a person’s life. And then after that, stunningly, they said they were against wearing disease-stopping masks because ‘it is a personal choice’.”

Their amazing performance of pro-life but anti-mask advocacy earned the US team a spot in the finals against the North Korean team, notoriously nicknamed “The Iron Kims” for their unwavering support for the oppressive Kim regime. 

The Iron Kims were the first up to show their performance to the judges. They delivered a well-executed routine, showcasing how their government was doing a great job of managing the country’s food system despite the fact that all members of the team were severely underweight. After their performance, there was a standing ovation from the crowd, and the judges were certainly pleased, giving them a close to perfect score, which set the bar very high for the American team. 

The Americans took to the floor. They first showed how they had blocked the Supreme Court nomination of Merrick Garland in March 2016, arguing that Congress should wait until the next presidential election before confirming anyone on the court. Then, the American team showed their response to the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg: a frantic and crazed rush to confirm a conservative judge to the court during an election. Judges were stunned by the fact that despite their previous argument that judges should be nominated by the next president, the American team still decided to confirm a judge while an election was taking place.

“My draw dropped. My mind was blown,” said event judge Holland. “I was expecting something good from the American team, but I could not foresee this level of hypocrisy. It was the best performance of mental gymnastics the world has ever seen.” 

The American team received a perfect score, earning them the gold medal. 

“The Kims did a great job showing a strong and cultish support of their leader,” said McConnell. “They might even be the best in the world at it, and we definitely seek to be like them. But I think what won us gold instead of them is that in their country, they don’t have a choice but to support their leader. Here in the US, we have a choice over whether to stupidly support an immoral, incompetent, egotistical leader, yet we still choose to. This choice is what makes us gold-medal quality.”