Under the Button’s Guide to Voting (For Girls and Gays)
October 10, 2020 at 4:52 pm
Listen up, girls and gays. We totally understand why this election is important. And we really really care about it. But, let’s be honest for a second. We’re hot! And if you’re reading this, you’re probably hot. We lead super busy lives (being hot). So we wanna make voting as sexy as possible, given the deeply unerotic nature of participating in our democracy.
Here is Under the Button's official guide to Voting for Girls and Gays:
- Fill out your ballot in pink pen. We’re not necessarily encouraging antiquated gender expectations, we just think pink is the hottest color (because it’s for girls).
- Put Hello Kitty stickers on your mail-in envelope. Kittens are cute...like gays and girls. We also heard that recently, the courts ruled that if there are cute stickers decorating your envelope the ballot has to count (we think).
- Distribute poppers to the poll workers to demonstrate your appreciation for the LGBTQ+ guardians of civil liberty. Their work is tireless, and they deserve to unwind after a long day of vanquishing the fascist menace.
- Light incense in the ballot box. If you think you deserve to inhale the wretched stench of Houston Hall of Flags, think again betch. Bring a lavender oil diffuser and let the feminine aura of essential oils and burning incense liberate you from the existential dread of living through the collapse of American democracy as we know it.
- Put on a cardigan! Do we really need to explain this one, girlie?
If, after reading through this list, you still find yourself disinclined from voting, there are other equally sexy ways to affect positive change. We recommend looking into eco-terrorism, doing cultural critique at Sephora, or reading about Ancient Athenian rituals of pederasty that sustained their civic sphere. Or you could also try taking selfies. Hope this helps! Xx