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You Don’t Have COVID... You Just Have Polio


Photo by Raimond Spekking / CC BY-SA 4.0

Do you have shortness of breath? A low-grade fever? Fatigue in your limbs? Have you been indoor dining without a mask, swimming at crowded beaches, or partying at Great Depression themed frat parties? Have you found a sudden fondness for wartime president Franklin Delano Roosevelt or been drawn to Philp Roth’s masterpiece, "Nemesis"? Well, my friend, you don’t have coronavirus-- you have polio. 

I don’t know where you got it, but you are infected with the poliovirus. Don’t panic. Although having polio isn’t great, you will always have a great conversation starter. Just think about it, you’re at a party and there’s a lull in the conversation, simply mention you have polio. If you’re in class and forget to do your problem set, just tell your professor you have polio. 

The best part of having polio is you can talk shit to your friends with coronavirus. “Yeah. COVID sucks, but have you ever had polio?” They will be speechless as they realize they’re a basic bitch. 

They will be dumbstruck when they realize that polio victims have had a long history of pushing progressive policies. A polio victim pushed through the New Deal.  Who does Coronavirus have? Donald Trump? Chris Christie? Lindsay Graham? 

You don’t need their coronavirus. They can keep their COVID because you don't need it. You're not like the other girls because you’re a bad bitch-- you have polio.