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Penn Vows to Increase Diversity of Diseases Available to Underclassmen


Photo by Kylie Cooper / The Daily Pennsylvanian 

A recent Under the Button poll has found that students are increasingly concerned about the lack of diversity at Penn. Here at Under the Button, we stand with you. We are proud to announce that, as a direct result of our tremendous influence over our school's administrative process, Penn has vowed to increase the diversity of diseases available to all incoming freshmen and sophomores for the fall of 2020.

"This decision was a long time coming," said one SHS provider, Robert Nolan. "Last year, we were only able to provide hand, foot, and mouth to half of the freshman class. We got lucky with a spare batch of measles, but we were disappointed overall with our outcomes. This year, we have the resources to provide COVID-19 to every freshman and sophomore and still have some leftover for faculty and staff."

Penn students appear to be proud of the school's bold provisions. "I'm tired of Penn privileging some diseases over others," said Lindsey Goldman, C'22. "Penn has been supporting the old boys, measles, mumps, and hand, foot, and mouth for far too long. It's about time they treated COVID-19 with the same level of enthusiasm." In her time as a freshman at Penn, Goldman reported contracting hand, foot, and mouth, mumps, measles, and gonorrhea. Goldman noted, "I made an effort to get gonorrhea because I know that it's the diversity that makes this school so great."

One Penn alum, Dale Richardson, described his disappointment at the slow erasure of the Penn experience.  "Back in my day, before all this quote-unquote "medicine" hullabaloo, Penn offered a wide selection of diseases for all students. In my time at Penn, I caught tuberculosis and scarlet fever. I only wish kids knew what they were missing out on." 

"I have hand, foot, and mouth already," shouted one excited incoming freshman, peering out of an inconspicuous bush on Locust Walk. "I was accepted ED, and I've been waiting to roll around on the floor of a quad bathroom ever since! I can't wait to get COVID-19! Is this the Penn experience?"

While the administration at Penn has decided to celebrate diversity for Fall 2020, it is certainly the people of Penn, with their diverse experiences and diverse communicable diseases, which provide our community with something worth celebrating.