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His Duty Fulfilled, Alex from Penn Dems Re-enters Hibernatory Cryo-Chamber


Photo (with edits) by RudolfSimon / CC BY 3.0, Roman Boed / CC0, Gringer / CC0

Parting is such sweet sorrow! Having fulfilled his solemn duty, Alex from Penn Dems voluntarily re-entered his personalized, hermetically-sealed cryo-chamber, where he will lie in wait for the next US election. Through the power of modern technology, the cold-caller's heart rate has been successfully slowed to a pace slower than that of the Nevada vote count.

“Farewell, everyone,” Alex addressed the crowd before vanishing into billowing clouds of icy vapor. “And don’t forget — register to vote! Text ‘STOP’ to stop receiving messages.”

Impressive! This election cycle, Alex somehow managed to text over 300 million Americans and place 10 million phone calls urging people to “go to the polls or else gran-gran’s gonna get it.”

“How does he do it?” one teary-eyed spectator wondered as motes of frost started to set into Alex’s soft, charmingly boyish locks. “Rest well, my blue brother. You’ve earned it.”

Some spectators were less willing to let go of our treasured, precious Alex from Penn Dems.

“Who will text me at 3 o’clock in the morning? Who will be there to remind me when Election Day is?” one man asked, his hand resting on the thin glass window separating the slumbering demigod from the outside world. Voice breaking, he followed with one final message: “I loved you, Alex.”

Well, all good things must come to an end! As heartbreaking as it is to see his chiseled features frozen into an everlasting grin, we can rest easy in the fact that whenever our world falls into imbalance once more, Alex from Penn Dems will return.