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Election Fixed All Our Racism Problems, It's Time To Go Back To Brunch!


Photo by ViewApart // CC By 2.0

Celebration time! We did it! We resisted! Time to relax, sleep in, and stop marching and protesting. With savior Joe Biden elected, we can stop discussing racial and wealth inequalities every single day and get back to brunch at White Dog Cafe! (Nice rhyme, huh). Time to go back to mid-afternoon mimosas and pancakes, as the old experts from four years ago are back to run politics again in faraway Washington. Remember that funny scene in ‘Get Out’ where the father says “By the way, I would have voted for Obama for a third term if I could”? Well, mission accomplished.

Even though America’s founders committed genocide and established the largest slave network the world has ever seen. And although white supremacists have infiltrated our militarized police and the American justice system has been discriminatory for centuries, we can all agree that the main issue in the country was definitely just our most recent president. So let’s ease up on the soul-searching and start asking some more challenging questions like “Should I get the avocado toast? How can I post myself at brunch during a pandemic without getting roasted on the gram? Oh also, what filter should I use?” 

It’s about time we returned to a much more intelligent political ruling class that at least has the good sense to do mass deportations, expand ICE, and keep kids in cages in a more discrete, friendlier way... so we don’t have to worry about it anymore! We’ve gotten rid of an admin that didn’t listen to scientists and we’re back to leadership that understands the importance of the environment and justice. They will, of course, proceed to use this knowledge to do basically nothing to fix them. However, that’s the America that’s been missing during the last four years! The ups and downs of the previous presidency are over with. Back to normalcy… back to the slow incrementalism we know and love. 

Just calm down and let the establishment do their thing. The fight against racism has been won goddamnit. Here in America, we can excuse silly, covert systemic race issues, but we draw the line at it being blatant and noticeable. There will be no more racist presidential rhetoric, Charolettesvilles, no more KKK and Neo-Nazis, no more openly telling cops it’s okay to use unnecessary force, and no more reasons to have BLM rallies. (Just little bilateral crime bills and mass incarceration here and there! No big deal :))

Focus on the fact that the ugly orange man and his nasty tweets are gone! Forget that despite a pandemic, he received more votes than he did in 2016. He’s gone now, and so are his obnoxious supporters. Instead of them being outwardly racist; saying the n-word with full force, waving Confederate flags, and things of that nature… they’ll just do that more private and reserved. Good ole' fashioned. Our work here is done!

Now that we successfully voted out fascism (because you can totally do that) and replaced it with liberalism, it’s time for us to disengage completely. Thankfully, good grown-ups are back in the White House, and they know what’s best for us. These adults will overreach across the political aisle and work with the people who consistently enabled the previous president. But it’s time to unify and work with them to neglect any meaningful change to society. Free healthcare, higher wages, taxing the rich, reallocating resources, funding social services instead of big corporations? Nah, that’s socialism. Time to fuck over the youth progressives and BIPOC that saved this election and listen to conservatives. Because safe bipartisanship in the face of crisis is good, non-attention-grabbing governance that will allow us to safely go back to chillaxing, delicious brunch. Hell yeah.