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No Nut November: If You Bring P*can Pie to Thanksgiving, I'll Vomit Directly On You


"Pecan pie" by SaucyGlo is licensed under CC BY 2.0

We’re about halfway into November, and I’m sure some of you sinful little maggots are thinking about breaking your pact with our Lord (Jesus Christ). For those freaks, the temptation of nut this November is rapidly boiling. You better hope it doesn’t boil over at my dinner table. If you attempt to enter the premises with a p*can pie, I will involuntarily make you regret it. Expect a personal head-to-toe coating of projectile vomit.

For those in nirvana who have never encountered a p*can pie, let me convince you as to why we should direct resources towards eradicating p*can pie. In preparation for the following description, I took 6 doses of Dramamine.

P*can pie is vile. It is solely responsible for every gastrointestinal issue I’ve ever had (~35?). P*can pie a crust filled with a spiced cum-like sludge. It’s topped off with literal tanbark that they expect me to pretend is a nut.

I would include a counter-argument at this point to spice up this article, but there exists none. Anyone who disagrees should be considered treasonous and jailed immediately.