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Excited for New Years? So Is Satan as He Sets Clock Back One Year to Repeat Hell Loop


Pictures from Pixy (with edits by Julia Ellis) | CC BY-NC-ND 4.0 and CC0

Everyone I know seems ready to leave 2020 burning in the dumpster fire it calls home and step into 2021. With several vaccines likely to roll out in December, things have finally begun to look up. As every day in 2020 has somehow managed to turn out worse than the last, people have seemed to finally breathe a sigh of relief at the idea of waking up in the morning, rather than pray every night is their last. No one seems more excited for New Years' than Satan himself, who is preparing to set the clock back to January 2020 in order to restart his Hell Loop. 

Satan has worked tirelessly on this specific Hell Loop and he feels as though he outdid himself. He left nothing up to chance and added his own personal touch to so many aspects. Election day turning into a full election week: he thought of that on the toilet. Fuckers that still go to parties killing people’s grandmothers: it came to him in a dream. No peaceful transition of power: he thought of it while getting fresh air on a walk. Of course, his finishing touches had to come from giving false hope with the vaccine news. These stupid bitches actually thought they’d live to see a day they wouldn’t regret!! What a fucking laugh!

While this year was almost a perfect collapse of society as we know it, Satan has even bigger plans for the next loop through. When asked to comment, he told UTB that he didn’t really want to spoil any big surprises for 2020 2.0, but wants to bring back one of his favorite characters from the past in a big way: the killer clowns of 2016. 

I for one wonder what I possibly did to deserve this hellacious reality, and then I remember that I was never baptized. I guess it was well deserved!