UGH: Hometown High Schoolers Took Your Old Make Out Spot
Photo by Motorion / CC BY 2.0
December 10, 2020 at 3:32 pm
You know how it is. You just got home from a dreadful semester. Midterms, finals papers, important presentations, work troubles, anxiety, and more. It seemed like it would never end! For the past weeks, you’ve been holed up in your dorm room just typing away at assignments and rewatching every single lecture video. Your social life is completely non-existent, your dating life has all but disappeared, you haven’t even had a casual hook up since Halloweekend. You head back to your hometown, having all this bent up tension and energy inside of you and you desperately need to release it… but you don’t quite know how yet… until… you get that text.
“Hey, you back in town yet? You wanna meet up or somethin’?”
It’s from that girl. That girl that you always had an unspoken thing for. You both know what that message means. It’s like when in Star Wars: Return of the Jedi when Luke Skywalker nodded to R2-D2 on Tatooine above the Sarlacc pit and R2 nodded back on top of Jabba's ship. The plan was set and about to go into motion.
Unlike hookups in college, you can’t just put a tie on the front door of your house signifying something is happening inside. Luckily, though, you know how these things work back in your hometown. Everyone has their make-out spots and some are pretty well known. The parking lot of the high school, next to the abandoned Dairy Queen, inside the state park, behind the Target. But you have your ole reliable… in the church parking lot beside the old McDonald’s. (Sorry God, Jesus, and the Hamburglar.)
You both agree to meet up there to ‘hang’ but five minutes into small talk you’re in your back seat fogging the windows. Out of nowhere though you notice headlights. You look out the fog to see two high school seniors going at it in the car next to you — using way too much tongue like they are licking ice cream cones. Then another car pulls up on the other side and there’s another high school couple making out — getting their braces stuck together (fuck, you keep forgetting to wear your retainer).
It’s absolutely tragic. It seems like your old make-out spot has been adopted by every horny teenager in your hometown. The mood is absolutely killed. You can’t even recover it by saying continuing to make-out in public like this could lower your Rice Purity Score. You awkwardly shake hands and go your separate ways. The Zoomers have won again.